This little piece is called restart.
First off, I want to thank you for taking the time to read this. Either you’re really bored and have nothing better to do than go on myspace and waste time, or you really care about me and you want to get to know me better. Or, you don’t know me, and you seem interested in getting to know me. Or not. Haha. Whatever floats your boat. So I have had a lot of time to myself, a lot of thinking time, a lot of me time. A lot of thoughts and feelings floating around, and a lot of self assessment going on. Excuse my run-on or incomplete sentences because I am writing from a speaking point. Anyways, back to the self assessment. I have had a lot of time to analyze myself, what I’ve done, what I haven’t done, what I should do, what I should be doing. How much I’ve changed. How much I’ve improved, and failed. Pretty much criticizing myself, to the point where I have felt that yes, another change. Don’t get me wrong, we change everyday, good or bad; but I understand that yes, a person in my position, I must change. This stand point, the roles I have taken, and given, blessed with; I have failed myself. We never cease to stop discovering ourselves, that’s the beauty of it all. Well, this discovery has been heart changing.
For the longest time I considered myself a writer, and a reader. I have yet to accomplish both. Yes I have written, and yes I do read, but not to the extent that I felt was necessary. So here I am, writing my heart out, and I plan to take my reading material more serious than I ever had. If you have a good read, let me know. I considered myself a philosopher, and a person of great guidance; again I have failed myself. Like all people, I am a hypocrite. I hate that I could not take my own advice. I have all the pieces of the puzzle. I know better. Then, I forgot that I am only Twenty years old, so I could use that as an excuse. But I rather not try to excuse myself, because I know I am better than that. I rather not cut myself some slack. But I have to say, that it has been an emotional rollercoaster, and I would not have done it any different. I have not lived up to my name, failed as a friend and a lover, and I am disappointed. I am going to do my best to fix this. Believe me, I will do it. This is the joy of growing, learning and developing.
I called up one of my closest friends, the one I always “bitch” to and pour my heart out to (I love you G; get yourselves one of these friends, asap!) and I told her I wish people knew me the way she did. She told me that she doesn’t understand why people wouldn’t know. Well, here I am, asking myself the same thing. What I have had developing within me has yet to blossom out. It comes out every once in awhile, but unfortunately, I have not reflected who I really am. I guess you could say, I’ve been blending in with the crowd, only flashing the light that has been given to me. I really don’t know how to shine my light. Only a few people in my life have seen it. Not even the person I love the most has seen it. But then again, I never got the chance to show it. No, I do not regret it; because we must live our lives with no regrets. So hopefully I will be able to shed some light here. Now.
My light, its not really mines. It is from God. Everything that I have is from Him, and I am thankful. It is His light that is shining thru me. If you don’t believe in God, I am sorry, it will be hard for you to understand. If you question there is a higher being, and want to know more about God, let me know. Strike me with some curiosity, would you. Let’s just say, I was given a great gift, and all I’ve been doing is playing with it, using it. Not really taking the full responsibility of it. To be honest, it will always be a work in progress. It’s never ending. So what is this light? It’s me.
Yes. You’re probably wondering, “Ron? A Light? Is he stupid or something? What is he talking about?” Well I know, it is hard to imagine me, a light. For some of you who know me, I know, I guess I am a very well guarded person, but I know some of you have seem my intellect, or for you dummies, my genius side. There is more to me than smiles an good conversation. Deep down inside, I really am a super kind, super caring, super freakin’ loving friendly person. I have been told that I am smart, and I believe it. (I had to say it like that so won’t sound so arrogant and you’ll continue this good read.) I share willingly. I’ve been called a Samaritan. I try my best to cater to everyone’s needs to the extent that I am able to. I will always have my hand out to help, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen and a heart to care. It’s really hard to be like this because I’ve been tainted by the world. I’ve always had to put up a shield. Well, I’ve finally been able to work myself to put this shield down, to let this light shine. Shine you the way. Everywhere, everyday, all the time – and it is a lot of work. I love doing what I do, I love being me. So here I am, guard down. But honestly, the people around me make it hard to be me. Or you could say the environment that I live in makes it hard to blossom. But spring has passed, everything is blooming, so I can’t get left behind. My gift, of great friendship and guidance is here for you.
I want the real me to come out. So here I am. Honestly, I don’t know much, but what I know, I am willing to share; how can I help you? Hi, my name is Ron. Nice to meet you. Please, do not judge me on my mistakes, but if you would like to judge, go sign up for jury. New friends, old friends; One Love. And no, you will not suddenly know me from reading these few paragraphs so drop a line. Everyone has a light – what’s yours?
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